It’s 4am in the morning here and I’ve been up all night and all day yesterday and the night before being sick. The whole 9 yards. It feels awful. It’s funny how you immediately start praying to just get whatever thing out of your body. This is probably TMI, but you really just pray for whatever demon is consuming your stomach and insides to get out regardless. I think I’m past that point and now to the point of praying that my spinal cord is removed so my back wouldn’t be throbbing and have a heating pad sitting upwards on the couch just to be able to bear the pain.
I dislike being sick. It makes you feel weak and out of control. Nothing is enjoyable and all I want is my kids but they move around and don’t understand that mommy hurts EVERYWHERE. My husband has to take over everything from feeding to entertaining to putting them to bed and I feel so useless. Then I want him to take care of me and rub my feet as well. I truly got the pick of the litter with him. Even during regular nights, he’s the one who gets up with the kids to put them back to bed. He knows that I’m the grouch in the middle of the night and I truly need my beauty sleep. We have arguments and disagree on subjects and even dislike each other sometimes but through all that I hope he knows that I will always love him, no matter what craziness and grouchiness mood I may be in and what I say.
When I’m sick of course it always feels like death. Then I get thinking about my life and what I do and have done and the things I really want out of it. I just really want to be more in my kids lives. I really want to work from home some or work part time. You save for retirement to have time off but then it’s too late bc your kids are grown. My little boy already knows his ABC’s and asks why all the time. I’m not a risk taker but I have to eventually take some risks in order to reach my wants. I’ve even thought about setting aside money and messing with stocks and see how good I am there. Not much money, just enough to see what I’m doing and if it looks good. I don’t gamble bc I rather spend $ elsewhere but stocks at least I know a little about the company, read up what’s going on in the world, and can watch it.
I’ve thought about doing more website building and learning that. I understand and know some coding, but I would really need to build up skill and take a class. I enjoy coding and there’s the luxury of self employment and working wherever.